Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
