dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
