Cold hands, warm shart.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
