why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
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