i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
