Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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