I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
