He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
