he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize