my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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