Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
