Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
