Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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