I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
