dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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