she woke up with a sticky ear
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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