You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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