Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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