I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I think your dad took our porno
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
