oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
