You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
