we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize