sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize