I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
