he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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