So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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