Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
