i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
