Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
