1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
