i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
