You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
