The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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