my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
