i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize