mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
