I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
