You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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