I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
