i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
