i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
