bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
