I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
