The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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