You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize