it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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