Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
