I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
