I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Your penis caused this!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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