just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
