I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
