it was like his penis was on wheels.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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