my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
