In the future we'll all be gay
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
