Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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