woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
