Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
