I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
