Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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