Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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