How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
