There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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